The first of the year has always been one of my favorite times of the year.
A new beginning.
Fresh start.
A RESTART.
This year I was bound and determined to give myself the space and boundaries I needed to un-become all the stories I had told myself throughout the years and BE who I really am. I made a promise to myself to be true and caring to myself and somewhere around month 8 or 9, I fucked it all up.
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About a year ago, I had spread myself too thin and I was hoping to get a yoga class covered so I could soak in some MUCH needed ME time. I had asked a mentor to cover my class. I had recently covered a few of her classes and hoped she would return the favor.
I approached her after a yoga class. I figured the zen attitude would still be fresh and now would be the best time for me charm her into taking the class.
She said no.
It was basically just like that.
No.
I’ve hardly used that word. When I say hardly, I mean hardly EVER. It’s not word that really exists in my vocabulary. Embarrassing it ends up being the reason I get myself into positions I am currently in.
Her No, wasn’t mean by any means. It was factual. She said she had too much going and she would like to help but she knows herself enough to know when she needs time to breath and this was one of those times.
Huh.
At first I wanted to be mad. Didn’t she owe me for all of the classes I said yes to? But after I sat with it for a bit, I realized this: #1 NO is more powerful than we give it credit for and #2 I have a lot to learn from this woman.
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Fast forward a year and a half. The lesson remains unlearned. Again I find my hands in too many pots, saying yes when I really mean no and sick.
Today I woke up with depression hugging me. Tears escaping over-tired eyes and a complete wreck. While attempting to carry out my responsibilities, I could barely keep my shit together.
It was in that desperate moment I knew I needed to act. I needed to say NO to somethings that people had been volunteering me for.
I
Need
A
Break.
Maybe it was waking up in the grips of a serious depression that helped me see it or maybe it was my reflection in the tears of my little man when I dropped him off on the curb of school. I can’t pinpoint the exact time but the light bulb has been turned on.
I’ve called my support team and I’m attempting to make a change.
Lessons always seem to be learned the hard way for me. I don’t know if there is an easy way to learn or if the struggle is what makes the lesson stick. Regardless, I’m crawling out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. It might take a while but eventually I will see the light.
Namaste,
Jes xoxo