July 4, 2021 my staffing job at the biggest hospital in the metro had me on the schedule for the 3:30am shift. Living outside of the cities meant I had to wake up at 2:15am to get to that shift on time. Because I wanted to stay up to see the fireworks, when my coworker asked if I was in on his Starbucks run I didn’t hesitate. Though he was going to get an extra shot of espresso in his I opted out because caffeine has ALWAYS affected me strongly.
It was around 11am, my hands shaking incessantly, when my co-worker and I realized I probably got his cold brew with the extra espresso and he got my weaker one.
One would think the trembling would help wear off the affects of caffeine but it would be hours of shaking before it wore off.
Our plan for the day was what a LOT of people do on the 4th, BOAT DAY! As soon as I got home for work, packed a beach bag and cooler and headed out on the boat. Some of our friends were meeting us at the beach so we headed that way.
It was so windy that day. When we got to the beach the docks portside was motor to bow packed with boats. There was one spot open on the starboard if we drove into the wind toward the dock. I opened the front gate of our pontoon and prepared to catch the dock. The little one joined me on our barely there front deck.
He wasn’t holding on.
My hubs was driving full speed to combat the wind.
It seemed like we were going to hit the dock…HARD.
I thought the little one was going to fly off and smack his face on the dock, I also thought we were closer to the dock than we were. I tried to cushion the crash by stepping on to the dock. When I looked to the left the dock was RIGHT there, I glanced quickly to the right to tell the little one for the MILLIONTH time to HOLD ON, I stepped off the bow without really looking – not realizing my hubs cut the motor and the wind was pushing us away. My left toes recently slick with sunscreen slipped and I landed on my leg hitting the side of the dock.
I didn’t land gracefully or even silently on the BUSIEST beach day of the year. This gentleman walking toward me that was clearly cocktails deep stepped OVER me! I must have been embarrassed, trying to cave the dock in, I don’t really remember but I do remember that guy and him stepping over me. Our boat was floating away, all of my men still on it. I didn’t have a choice but to jump in the lake and walk it to the dock.
While I was pulling our boat to its parking spot the same gentleman, fresh cocktail in hand asked if I needed any help. Unfortunately for my face, I can’t control the muscles and the expression I made was probably priceless. “Really, NOW, you ask me if I need help? Not while I was laying on my side?” My face said it all but my voice told him, no, I got it.
My husband said I should ice it. It looked like it was going to be a bad bruise. It felt fine, it was throbbing a little but the caffeine tremors were still pretty bad and I couldn’t tell one from the other.
I did ice it, but it didn’t matter.
I even bought topical CBD pain relief cream, but it didn’t matter.
The injury started to have a life of it’s own and man after the adrenaline and caffeine wore off did it get BAD.
I couldn’t wear pants and I also couldn’t sit down and have my thigh flatten out. I wore every floor length dress I owned and wrapped my thigh with two tennis elbow straps Velcroed together.
If I kept moving in the same plane it was fine. I could walk, hike probably even run and I was fine. The sideways movements just about killed me. I couldn’t pick my leg up with it’s own muscle and move it sideways. I couldn’t get in and out of bed, I couldn’t move my leg sideways at all. Since my hubs works the night shift my little men helped me in and out of bed every night as the tears poured out of my eyes. Even now, I catch myself holding my breath just thinking about it.
My little one would wipe my tears away, hold my hand and tell me to find my happy place. “It will be ok, sweetie” he’d reassure me. But it didn’t get better. And I didn’t go to the doctor, until I was at my besties house about a week later.
Her mom was visiting and took one look at my leg and told me that one of her daughters friends from high school died because of a blood clot he didn’t get checked out after an injury that was half as bad as mine.
Wait…WHAT?!?!
I told her that it had been about a week and I felt fine and she went on to tell me so did the friend.
To say that I was terrified was an understatement. To make matters worse, we were going to Alaska in a couple weeks and my friends mom said that air pressure in the plane might really affect clotting.
I took the fastest appointment I could get. At this point the bruise was in full motion and traveled down the back side of my leg, past my calf and to my toes. When the doctor saw me it had started going up the inner ankle and inner leg. The nurse that got my vitals took one look at it and said it looked broken to her.
I laughed at her and told her that I could walk on it fine, it couldn’t be broken! She countered that I’ve had kids and can probably tolerate more pain than the average bear. The doctor didn’t disagree with her and I was sent in for an x-ray. While we waited for that the doc did say there was a big chance that it could be a blood clot. There was a large lump that almost felt fluid like that had a snake like tail wrapping around the backside of my leg.
Taking no chances, especially with the upcoming trip, she sent me in for an ultrasound. At this point my self fashioned wrap had been off for a while and the poking, prodding and moving had really taken a toll. The pain kicked in and I could NOT beat it. They gave me some strong aspirin and prescribed some stronger pain medication, told me to limit as much movement as I could and sent me to the hospital.
With the unsettling fear churning in my stomach, it took an eternity for the results.
It’s hard to manifest healing when the imagination of the unknown has a powerful hold on you. It’s especially hard when your wide-eyed kids are tucking you in at night with icepacks, pain meds and words of encouragement.
The ultrasound came back, no clots! But, I should still take aspirin to thin the blood and I could start rotating heat and ice to get the bruise to go away. The heat pad really worked to moved the blood out. At one point my bruise looked like the Rocks Iron and Fitness logo.
* * * * *
One would think the healing / recovery phase is fast but one would be wrong.
The shooting pains continued well past Alaska. The doctor scheduled an MRI. The thing with MRIs is I don’t believe in them. They DON’T work! Some of it was my fault.
I shouldn’t have wore leggings that day, though it was chilly.
I should have done some jumping jacks to flare up the injured area.
Because I didn’t do either of these things the findings are my leg is fine. I still think that their taped on vitamin E tablets were taped to the wrong spot.
I have a tricep horseshoe dimple on my left thigh with a golfball sized knot below it but it’s fine?! It doesn’t look fine, it doesn’t feel fine. Paying for services that didn’t work isn’t fine either but I digress.
10 months after my injury I went to the one person I had been avoiding. My friend, a body worker, aka the human foam roller. I had been avoiding her because she is a human torturer but she gets results. The bruising, again ten MONTHS later was still bad, and I had to try different avenues to get healed. At this point my movement was limited. I stopped practicing yoga and if any movements caused pain I stopped doing them too. The only movements I was doing was walking up a couple flights of stairs twice a day.
The human torturer said she could help, but it would hurt.
And it FUCKING did.
She felt around it at first, said that it was bunched up fibers that needed to be relaxed to go back in place. She greased up my leg with lavender scented calming oils and then punisher got into a lunge position and used her whole body weight to smooth out the dimple. I almost died.
Or I thought I almost died, that is until she took this plastic credit card shaped scraper that reminded me of something you clean cast iron pans with and said that she was going to simulate blood flow to get rid of the bruise. She looked at me with empathetic eyes as she scrapped with hard pressure in short and long motions until my leg was red, purple, blue, black and raw. Afterward I limped to my jeep and cried when I got in. I thought that service would help the pain go away, not intensify it.
My human foam rolling friend is the only reason the bruise is gone.
More than a year later the horseshoe remains.
I’ve learned a lot in the past year. But I’m also really angry with myself. I’m mad that I let other people, though professional, tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with MY body. I stopped practicing yoga because they advised against a LOT of the poses, I stopped doing a bunch of stuff I love because they advised against it. Here I am, an entire year later with the same results. Wondering where I would be in my healing process if I would have just listened to my own internal queues.
For the past two months I’ve been figuring out a movement routine that works within my goals and brings me back to a place where I feel better. My leg is still messed up but my mental health is SOOOOOOO much better. Who knows if my leg will ever get better and look normal again, but I’m not focusing on that any more.
I’m reshaping my thoughts to host a healing mentality rather than injured. It’s a slow journey but slow eventually gets you there.
Namaste, Jes xoxo