Success has been bothering me lately. Not because I have an over abundance of it but more of the lacking feeling.
It started about six months ago. I was chatting with a very unique individual, her uniqueness stems from her mean characteristics. She had recently changed jobs and was promoted in a BIG way. Sure, she’s put in her time and energy and deserved the promotion but I couldn’t help be a little jealous of it. I’m not jealous of her actual job or even her lifestyle BUT of her independence. She has created a life where she can go any where she pleases, do whatever her heart desires and she can afford it all on her own.
For some reason her success bothers me. I’m happy for her but bothered.
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Feeling appreciated holds a MUCH bigger punch than the amount on your paycheck. At least for me, worth is not based on the net pay amount on a pay stub but more in the value the employer has for you. That being said I haven’t been feeling appreciated at work. At least some of the time.
Technically I have 3 bosses, two of which are men. My woman boss knows the value in appreciation. One of the male bosses knows the value in hard work. The other boss, well he’s my problem. I’ve worked for him the longest and when someone asks me what I do I often turn to the title he hired me for. I’ve worked for him for almost 4 years and although my responsibilities have grown tremendously my hourly wage has not.
To be fair, I’ve never asked for a raise because up until a year ago, it was the BEST place I’ve ever worked for. I felt appreciated, I received bonuses, lunches, tokens of appreciation, paid schooling, paid certification and went on a paid work conference. I had NO complaints. But that has all changed. I’m not sure when the tide shifted, but it has and I’m not the only one at our work place that sees it. To be completely honest, I’m struggling there and often think about starting a new adventure. In some respects I have, although it’s part time, I have picked up a waitressing job for additional income.
Now that the backstory is done I can get to the point of this post.
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Some moms SUCK.
Not because they are bad mothers but because they are bad humans.
If you know me you’ll probably be a little surprised to find out that when I’m at home I’m not nearly the social butterfly I am when I’m out and about. Usually, when I’m at home, I’m in yoga pants either finishing or trying to get motivated to work out and then clean. I don’t love when the UPS guy shows up because my face gets EXTREMELY red when I’m killing a cardio session. I don’t like when people just show up for a visit and I like to have my things in an orderly fashion before I do something.
Last Wednesday, it was SO gorgeous out. My boys had been DYING to get out and play at the parks. I made sure my ducks were in a row and got all of my stuff done prior to picking up by oldest from school. I had to work later that night but figured a park trip for a couple hours would be just the thing all of us needed.
Turns out every mom had the same plan and the park was filled with Bash’s schoolmates. Including a couple moms I socialize with; one I particularly like. She’s a little older than I am, but we have many similar interests. The other one I have mixed feelings about. I had met her at the library two years prior and couldn’t put my finger on the exact vibe she gave me, she’s a nurse and there’s just something about her… Fast forward through life, as fate would have it, our boys are in the same class.
The three of us moms sat in a circle soaking up the sun and fresh air with the little men (all of us have boys) chased each other and played. The other two moms were talking about this make up brand and how they use all organic products.
During the playing around, the nurse’s boys were fighting and the older one had hurt the little one. She was attending to them, while the mom I like asked me how my jobs were going. I was mid conversation on how everything is going fine, but I’m not sure this is it for me when the nurse got involved with the conversation. She wanted to know why it wasn’t for me and I tried to explain it as simply as I could when the boys called her away. While the nurse was away the other mom started asking me about the waitressing job. Before I could say much about it the nurse came back and I had mentioned the money is great but I’m not sure….
The nurse finished my sentence for me, except she got the ending WRONG. She said that she would be REALLY concerned if I thought waitressing was life path for me. “It’s all fine as a TEMPORARY side but I would be VERY concerned if you were intending on doing this for good.” (Insert laughter and a Lithuanian accent).
As if I hadn’t already been having reservations about success, there she was, throwing the fact that I am not in my face. I was quite the remaining time we were at the park.
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The next night, we took a family walk. I told my husband about the conversation – we have been having MANY conversations regarding success before the park incident – but he mentioned something to me that’s been the only thing I’ve been thinking of lately. I told him that had I really paid attention to my interests when I was younger, I would have chosen a different path. I would have went to school to be a dietician and my specialty would have been pregnant women.
To me he said, why don’t you still do that? You have time. You’re going to work for another 30 years minimum. Do you really want to be where you are in another 30 years?
The answer is no. I don’t want to be where I am for another 30 years. I want to be a Dietician by day and a Yoga teacher by night.
Will becoming a college graduate make me feel successful? Maybe not. But if I’ve learned anything in the last few months it’s “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Too often I’ve let people make me feel a certain way. I can’t let people have that control over me.
So here I sit. Trying to be comfortable with being me.
Success is what YOU make it. As it stands today, I don’t have a college degree. I don’t love my day job. But I’m raising some very thoughtful, mindful and caring boys. Maybe their mom isn’t “successful” in the business world but as a human, I’m not sucking.
Much Peace and Love,
Jes xoxo