It seems most people value success on how busy they are. The PTA leader is also the soccer coach, the swim team chauffeur, the blue ribbon bake sale winner, the mother of the year, running for city council and has an impeccable kept house, not to mention well-mannered children.
When did over committing become the norm?
I’m not exactly sure when I got sucked in, but over committing is NOT foreign to me. Amongst all of the playdates, work schedules, family life I’ve lost all contact with the “me” time I dedicated to myself at the beginning of the year…and what for? I don’t feel more successful when I’m spread so thin. I don’t feel like I can fully commit and enjoy the opportunities I have when they are layered thicker than clothes on a cold winters day.
So why do we do it?
* * *
On my 9th birthday I received my first diary. It was red pleather with a latch and a heart lock on it. It came with two keys but you didn’t need the key to open it. The key hole had a little slider on it that would open the journal. I would write in that journal almost daily and then hide it under my mattress (I thought that was the most clever hiding place). When that journal was filled up I saved my allowance and purchased another. As I grew so did my collection of filled journals recounting my experiences of this life.
My brother has always been more social than me. He ALWAYS had friends with, either at our house or begged to bring someone with as we traveled the state in our camper. We went camping almost every weekend. My dad worked second and third shift when I was growing up, so at 7am he’d get off work on Friday morning and we would head out-of-town for the weekend.
I remember very clearly one camping trip when I was 12. My brother had a couple of friends with and I had my book and my journal. I went out early in the morning, sat out on the dock and read as the sun rose and then journaled. That is still my ideal morning routine…if you throw some yoga in it! I came back around the same time my parents friends arrived. My brother and his friends were laughing and playing some sort of game while my parents were putting the finishing touches on our breakfast.
The male friend looked at me as I walked up to the site and set down my books, he said, “Jessie, you’re such a loner”.
I would be lying if I said his words didn’t hurt. Especially because loner and loser meant the same thing to me back then. I tried to convince him that I wasn’t but his argument was better than mine. “Look at your brother, he has a couple of friends with and he’s playing with them. You’re always by yourself with your nose stuck in your books.”
Tears may have sprouted when no one was looking.
* * *
Over committing didn’t start holding me captive until about two years ago. My kids were old enough to have friends, which meant play dates and birthday parties and I started branching myself out. All of a sudden I was involved with an intense workout regime, volunteering at the schools, working part-time being a full-time mom, driving a TON, the house chores became mostly me including the outside shoveling in the winter and mowing in the summer. On top of that I was training for bike rides, running races all along trying to find time to just be and just be me. I lost all focus on EVERYTHING and struggled to keep my head above water and head pointed toward my goals.
I felt like I was drowning.
Although I tried, I couldn’t gain any footing. I didn’t want my kids to miss out on things so we went to the play dates and had people over at our house, I was almost ALWAYS late to work because the chatting would continue and my time management is off. I’d find myself in a clutter filled house having mild panic attacks because I just can’t do it. I can’t.
How is it possible I was more in tune with myself at 9 than I am now nearly two and a half decades later?
There are some women who seem to have it all. They can be the BEST parent, have the cleanest house, volunteer every day, work 4 jobs, pour their life into their beliefs, boast that they have had 2 hours of sleep in the last 3 days; but I. am. not. THAT. woman. I’m sick of even thinking about trying to be that person.
You don’t get extra points for running yourself down, you get sick.
That’s why I quit my day job. It freed up a LOT of my time. I don’t have to drive my kids here and there and everywhere 3 times a week. I no longer have to listen to how bad my boys have been. I’ve also decided not to watch other kids. Although my friends have asked I like the peace and quiet. I’ll do it if they are in a pinch but my little ones are enough for me. I’m slowly learning who will return favors when I cover their shifts at work, but mainly I’m carving out me time again.
Sometimes I still feel like I’m drowning. That’s when I take a step back. I miss a couple workouts. I become less strict with my clean eating and in those moments I actually feel like I’m living.
It’s not about how much you do, it’s about how well you do it. Only commit to the things that you WANT to do; the other stuff is just noise you don’t need to listen to.
Much love and Peace.
Jes xoxo