Whoever said, “truth hurts,” must have been a parent hearing a truth bomb from their offspring.
Kind of like I did this week…
* * *
About six years ago, I walked into the bathroom after an EARLY in the morning nursing session with my youngest, and didn’t recognize myself. It wasn’t the tired eyes or messy hair but my reflection staring at me. Remember that Twilight scene in the second movie where Bella raises her hand to wave to her grandmother only to realize she’s waving to herself? It was similar to that, I was a stranger in my own skin, even without the wrinkles.
It had been YEARS since I had done anything for me or that I liked doing. I had married a twin and even in the dating years we were more like the Three Musketeers than a dating couple, I was often outnumbered when deciding what we should do for the weekend.
It’s funny how time passes. As the hours drift into days, days into weeks, weeks turn so quickly into months before you open your eyes years have passed. There I was 8 years after we started dating, not even recognizing myself. Who had I become and when will my husband realize I’m not the person he chose to marry? I had to do something and quick.
As fate generally helps out, the Day Zero Project found me and just in time. I LOVED who I was before I started dating my husband. I was just a rocker chick living the late night life going to rock shows 4 or more times a week. The rock community was small and I knew most of the bands and attendees. If having too much fun was illegal, I’d be serving a life sentence.
As it often happens, you start to “settle down” in relationships. The adult ness offend rears it’s head when it becomes apparent that living space is more important than Slipknot tickets. Slowly, without even recognizing it, I traded in my all access backstage passes for some quality at home time.
Although this at home time was needed, I didn’t realize that hanging up that pass would also tuck a part of me, that I loved, away. When my bestie told me about the Day Zero Project and that I should blog my way through it I could barely handle the excitement. He convinced me that a mom, like me, doing goals she picked would definitely inspire others to do the same.
I started from scratch. What did I used to do that I don’t do anymore? What kind of talents did I hide or shelf because there was no time? The Day Zero Project is 101 goals in 1001 days, but I had MORE than 101 things I wanted to try/do/initiate. Being the organizing person I am I broke the goals into categories. I had a category for being creative, dates, food, kids, health/beauty, outdoor, personal growth and so on. Then I broke up the list in years. 1001 days is almost 3 years.
After all the planning was completed, the blog was up and running, I started.
I was amazed at how quickly my true self came back. I was inspiring myself and that hadn’t happened in a LONG time. It took me over 3 years to complete the full project, but I did it. I’m not sure which goal marked the rebirth of me but somewhere along the goals it happened.
I.
Was.
Back!
This time for good. Here’s a couple highlights of the goals I did:
- Toddler out of our bed.
- Make a quilt for Grams.
- Learn 5 songs on the Ukulele.
- Enter a photo contest.
- Own a meal.
- Pay off a credit card.
- Donate blood 3 times.
- Help host a fundraiser.
- List 100 I’m grateful for.
- Host a winter bonfire.
- Get certified in something.
- Bike across MN.
- Dance in the rain.
- Enter a car show.
- Run 5 Races in one year.
The last one is the inspiration for this post. A group of girlfriends and I ran 5 races for Team Ortho in Minnesota. IF you ran all 5, in one year, you received a special medal. They give you the medal in a case of sorts and I have it displayed on our bookshelf.
To me the medal symbolizes many things. It reminds me of how far I’ve come since that WAY to early in the morning nursing session. It reminds me of how much I fought for ME. It reminds me how important girls night and girlfriends are. But mostly, it reminds me that I’m not a runner. I don’t particularly care for running and any distance (in my opinion) past NINE miles is ridiculous and unnecessary.
I know these things and when I see that medal in particular, I’m reminded of these things. In fact it’s the ONLY medal I kept after all those races (there were WAY more than 5). But my little men do not know those reasons behind keeping the medal. A week ago, my little one asked me if he could keep it. We would share it, he told me, how could I say no? Being a runner himself, pretty soon the medal was out of it’s case and in his pocket. He carried it around EVERYWHERE. I asked him if he would like to do enough races to earn a medal himself and he was ALL in!
That’s when the big one pipped in.
“Mom, remember when you used to run all those races? Now you don’t run at all. You’re such a quitter, now.”
Ouch.
That hurt.
I didn’t quit. I just realized that running isn’t my jam. BUT I can’t believe he thinks I’m a quitter! That just can’t happen.
It’s important to me that my kids see adulthood as a freedom to be yourself, set goals and accomplish your hearts desire. I can NOT have them think that when you’re an adult that’s it, the end, no more hope.
You have choices within every breath that enters your body and it’s not the end until it IS. New beginnings happen as we inhale the present moment. There are so many restarts in one day it’s mind blowing, but people get stuck. They get caught up in the limits that other people have set for them and they start to limit themselves.
I can’t have that for my men.
I especially can’t let them view me as a quitter. Even if I don’t believe it, I have to SHOW them the truth.
As I pull my running shoes out of retirement, I can’t help but wonder if THIS time running will be different. Maybe this time I’ll find a joy in it that I’ve never had before. Because this time, there is a bigger purpose than finding myself. This time it’s about hope for my little men and showing them that life doesn’t end with adulthood.
Namaste,
Jes xoxo
