Much like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland my mother is always rushing around worrying about being late. If you go to the store with her she’ll rush you until you’re speed walking through the isles and burning rubber on the way home. Even pulling into a rest stop on vacation she’ll say (before we’re parked), “Ok, come on let’s go”.
I’ve never understood her hurry.
She has been a stay-at-home mom for most of my life; for sure the last 30 years and hasn’t ever learned how to relax.
I think most people would be surprised at the take-a-ways that were absorbed during their childhood. I’m talking osmosis of the people that raised you, possibly on a DNA level or just an everyday interaction level. For instance my dad is super laid back, can fix anything and he’s aware of his appearance. My mom is always in a hurry, prepared for anything at ALL times and is more of a take-me-as-I-am – no make up, no bullshit type of person. While I’m more like my dad her traits have not escaped me.
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I’ve lived in Minnesota for a while now and in the winter you wouldn’t think anyone lives here. Hardly anyone is outside and everything is covered with snow and ice. In the spring as the snow and ice return to the Earth people emerge, but not this year. As the snow disappears people are urged to continue their hibernation.
It’s been one week since I haven’t worked. One week of figuring out how this on-line learning thing is going to work. One week of creating a new normal.
Unfortunately I’ve been in this scenario before.
Years ago, I worked for corporate America filled with big-wigs finding ways to cut departments in hopes of a bigger profit margin for their stock holders; the irony being I OWNED stock in the company.
The transition from working full time to unemployment wasn’t easy for me. It was four months after my return from a maternity leave – which I rushed through. I guess a need to get back to my job was more important than soaking up motherhood.
During that unexpected unemployment my husband and I realized a few things. The drive time and traffic (2+ hours per day) was time I wasn’t seeing any of my men, daycare was more expensive than I thought and the cost of both of gas/oil/tires PLUS daycare meant I could probably find something part time and make more money working closer to home.
I decided to go back to where I started…bartending.
It was a safe bet, the bars will be around FOOORRRREVEEERRRRR (think of how Squints from the Sandlot said it). I wouldn’t have to worry about looking for work and it meshed with our schedule.
But a little bug you can not see would change everything.
Because a two day notice for day-care closing was given, last Wednesday, I watched my friends kids. The kids asked if they could bike to the park on the next block over. While they left me in their dust I walked in flip flops and a flannel (not the brightest choice on the chilly eve of a spring morning) but the crispness of the morning got me thinking about the lack of control we really have.
I didn’t have control over the first time I was laid-off and although I made choices to ensure it wouldn’t happen again I didn’t have a choice this time either.
BUT I do believe in a higher power. Lessons we learn in this life help us navigate the next until we reach enlightenment and become one with God.
Apparently there was a lesson for me to learn during unemployment and I obviously didn’t learn it the first time.
So what is it?
I slowed my steps, took deeper breaths, pulled myself in the present place and limited distractions.
Maybe it isn’t what I have to learn, but rather what I have to UNLEARN. The process of shedding petals until the inside of the flower blooms.
We think our parents know the best paths. We learn from them and take on their traits but the thing is, they are learning too. They are navigating this life just like us and while age may have provided more wisdom what they learn and the obstacles they face are for their journey not ours.
Stillness has answers IF we allow ourselves to listen.
The stillness of that day made me realize I need to slow down. Instead of rushing through this life I need to pause and enjoy. Soak in the lessons every day brings. Give myself permission to spend the mornings cuddling and playing. Give my men permission to have the space they need to grow into the men they will become and watch lovingly.
I don’t know the answers and I’m unsure what the future holds but I can appreciate the gifts I have been given and right now that is time to be with my men.
Be well,
Jes xoxo