I did a thing last weekend.
I married my friends.
Illegally.
They don’t know…so don’t tell them.
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I’ve never cared for textbooks. The layouts don’t make sense to me. Why would you put important points in a standalone box and then expect people to read the entire page? For whatever reason I have trained my eyes to skip right over those boxes, I don’t read them at all.
I also don’t read bold print, italic print, anything underlined, anything highlighted and certainly not episode titles or chapter titles. When you read books where each chapter is a different character NOT reading the name at the chapter beginning can be challenging UNLESS it’s a good writer and you can tell which character because the writer has given them a distinct voice.
I digress…
My friends were getting married on September 14 and that date was approaching and approaching fast. The bride-to-be wanted to meet to go over the ceremony before the actual ceremony. We met the Thursday before, going over the declaration, the vows portion, how I was going to introduce the Bible verse reader, etc. It was a quick check-in and another check mark next to the bride’s massive to-do list.
Friday, was the rehearsal and grooms dinner. Fortunately for me, I was just a prop. Other than being responsible for the wedding license the Maid-Of-Honor handed to me, I didn’t have to say or do anything but stand there and watch the wedding party practice walking their walk and taking their spots. The wedding party practiced until the bride was satisfied then we headed off to the restaurant.
As the dinner came to an end the Maid of Honor asked me if I knew what my official officiant title was, how I was going to sign the license. I confessed that I didn’t really know. The emails I had been receiving said Reverend but I’ve also seen Minister. The Groom to be said he thought I was a Reverend.
***Side note, my oldest’s favorite band had a member that called himself the Rev (see below), IF I got a choice it was going to be Reverend. I told them I would go over the paperwork and make sure before I put anything in ink down***
We got home and I practiced and practiced my intro. I really didn’t want to have to look at anything in the beginning of the ceremony. I practiced until I was confident and didn’t miss any details of the speech. Going to bed that night was easy for me…I was ready!
I could NOT sleep after 5am on Saturday. It is part of my regular routine to wake up between 5-515am during the work days. Not being able to sleep, I figured, was my body’s natural alarm clock going off. Knowing it was going to be a late night, I chose to lay in bed hoping sleep would abduct me. It didn’t.
I ended up getting out of bed at 630 deciding to figure out once and for all what my officiating title was. I gathered the ordainment package I received and hadn’t touched SINCE I received it MONTHS before and started reading. Reverend Jes has a nice ring to it is all I could think of when I saw it…
The italic print that my eyes didn’t read before.
The italic print that read:
You will be required to register as a minister with a county clerk’s office in Minnesota. Please contact your local county clerk or the clerk in the county where the couple will be getting married and ask about registering your credentials and/or letter of good standing. You will need to fill out a certificate of filing that may need to be notarized.
FUCK.
WHY DO MY EYES GLOSS OVER BOLD PRINT AND ITALIC LETTERING?!
The wedding is in hours, FUCK!
My heart started racing faster than a Boston marathon first place finisher. My hands were shaking worse than a group of kids playing operation. FUCK.
I messaged my friend, who had been ordained and legally married her friends asking her if she remembered if SHE had to register with the state. She couldn’t remember but she said she’d do some research and get back to me.
Next, I woke up my husband and told him I wasn’t legally able to marry anyone! I think he thought he was dreaming but I didn’t let him go back to sleep. He read the letter and pulled out his phone, starting to research.
The three of us researching away, I came across the certificate of filing, the paperwork I SHOULD have submitted. I printed it out and filled it out thinking I could go at 8am when the offices opened and I’d be fine… The problem is ALL of the government buildings were closed until Monday.
My friend called me, she said that she came across an article where someone married a couple and realized they hadn’t registered, the courthouse was able to backdate their paperwork and the marriage wasn’t affected. She said that I could convince the court offices that I didn’t know and when I realized it they were closed, which is TRUE.
My hubs said I should change the date from September 14 to September 19 on their license. Two tentative plans are better than NO plans, I started to feel better about what I was doing. Like Robinhood stealing from the rich, to save the day, was I prepared to change their wedding date to save their marriage??
I messaged my boss and told her that instead of coming in early on Monday, I had to take the day off to try and hope to the GODS/GODDESS’ that I could get my paperwork submitted and signed.
A little later that morning my friend called, she said that she found her paperwork and she DID have to register with the state. The good news is her license hasn’t expired! She said that she researched and anyone can do the ceremony as long as an ordained official says a few magic words and signs the license. She said I could do the ceremony, she could show up, say the magic words and sign the license and we’d be fine!
Plan A – change the date.
Plan B – Plead my case and get my paperwork backdated.
Plan C – Have my friend show up, uninvited and finish the ceremony. The issue with that plan is I’d have to confess and I didn’t want to! We came up with an amendment to plan C… I’d do the ceremony, NOT tell them and FaceTime my friend later on in the evening to say the magic words.
When we walked into the reception, decorated to the max, I saw something that eliminated plan A. The guest book made of wood was engraved with their wedding date. Fuck.
My nerves picked up a little but not significantly because we still had two plans left.
The actual ceremony went really well! While guests were taking their seats the DJ kept asking me questions I didn’t know….when were they ready, how fast were they going to walk, when will he know to start the music. I didn’t know ANY of these answers. Before he gave me the mic I told him I could call out a signal to let him know he should start the song. I said I could yell, “ caw-caw” like a bird. He laughed at me like I was kidding then set out on foot to find his own answers.
I wasn’t kidding. I love a good “caw-caw”!
Besides throwing my phone (on accident) in an attempt to get a selfie (on the bride’s request) with all the guests and as a finale, trying to do a mic drop at the end of isle (giving the DJ a mini heart attack – side note he said mic drops only happen in the movies, I think he lied to me) the ceremony went better than I thought it would. It was tearful, beautiful and heartfelt. I was happy to be a part of it.
Before the end of the night, I messaged my LEGALLY ordained friend asking her if she was ready for her part of plan C. Another friend lured the couple outside where I started a FaceTime call with the actual Reverend. She was perfect, made it seem like she was congratulating them ALL the while she was ACTUALLY marrying them!
With nothing else to do, I danced the night away.
Monday morning I went to the courthouse to plead my case. Maybe it was because I was early or maybe the woman behind the counter just had a bad weekend, but when I pleaded my case she wasn’t buying it. She told me there is no such thing as backdating. I even tried to tell her about plan C and she wasn’t having it. She said IF I performed the ceremony I HAD to be the one to sign it.
FUCK.
While I was thinking of all the ways my attention to detail has failed me and the newlyweds…I started to wonder IF they were even newlyweds… The lady behind the counter interrupted my thoughts and said she could process my paperwork first then process the marriage license.
Wait, what?!
“We don’t backdate but I can process your paperwork first then the license.”
AMAZING!
I handed all my ordainment paperwork, paid fifteen dollars and she handed me back a certificate saying I, Reverend Jes, can marry anyone for the rest of time.
Fun fact, you can choose WHAT you want to be called and of course The Rev just has a better ring to it than Minister.
As I left the courthouse and walked to my Jeep, I exhaled a giant sigh of relief. The wedding, reception and honeymoon had been salvaged and the happily MARRIED couple have NO idea.
Maybe it will be a funny story to share with them over some wine or maybe they never need to know…time will tell.
Namaste,
Jes xoxo